“Stop stopping me.”
I say that to the mirror sometimes.
What’s getting in my way? Yup, it’s me. It’s my lifestyle choices and behaviors blended with ambition and dreams of what I can accomplish. You can imagine it’s difficult to have a productive mindset when half of you thinks “this will be amazing”, while the other half equally thinks “this will be impossible”.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in the past few weeks trying to figure out what makes me put down my pencil. I really tried to look at my unproductivity from different angles. I’ve been asking myself some tough questions. I’ve been visiting some old haunts. I’ve been spending more time taking care of myself. Who am I as a creative? How can I even claim to be one if I fail to create?
Progress has been made, I think. I’ve begun to unmask the big barriers and I’m treating this like a science project: I’ve identified something worth studying. I’m now testing what I believe to be my five horsemen of goal prevention. My current hypothesis subjects even make a cute acronym: D.E.A.T.H.
Fun, right!?
Let’s break it down!
D.E.A.T.H. — The Five Horsemen of Goal Prevention
D — Distraction
Distractions are productivity killers. They’re everywhere and they can be incredibly insidious. They get in the way of what you want to do, or they become what you want to do instead of what you need to do. A distraction can be anything from a pile of unwashed dishes to a 15-minute YouTube video which consumes your attention for the wrong reasons. (Usually a 15-minute YouTube video leads to an unsuspectingly exhausting string of videos. Whoops, it’s 8pm already.)
Here’s a few examples of what I would call “distractions”:
1. A neglected chore
2. A video game or television show
3. A request from a friend or relative (urgent or non-urgent)
4. Noise that takes your attention away
5. A situation that triggers FOMO (fear of missing out)
6. Your phone
I know my work habits fairly well and I know that I love to be in flow state. I like to get into the zone and let myself be able to create while I think. Distractions take me out of “flow” and it becomes increasingly difficult to get back. In most cases, distractions will knock first. You normally choose to let the distraction take you away from your work. Know this; there is vampirism at play: the distraction will drain you of your energy if you let it in. Allowing yourself to be susceptible to distraction means that more distractions will come for you.
Propositional Remedy:
Depending on the kind of distraction, you can find remedies to keep yourself on track. If entertainment is the problem, responsibly carve out some time in your day to get that dopamine fill. If a relationship is the problem, set healthy boundaries on when you’re “off-limits”. It takes some creativity to find a remedy, but identifying your distractions is the vital first step.
I’m working on this, too.
E — Energy
I’m not sure what you call it, but I call it “Energy”. It’s the finite resource of “go power” that you expend throughout the day. A great book called “Willpower” by Social Psychologist Dr. Roy F. Baumeister describes the human phenomena of a limited supply of “will” (hence “willpower”). Baumeister explains that we do tasks throughout the day which consume “willpower” (i.e., chores, errands, required social interactions, etc.) which is eclipsed by doing other things that can restore “willpower” (i.e., sleep, exercise, laughter, etc.). In short; if you’re out of “willpower”, you either cannot complete tasks or you risk over-exerting yourself.
I observe my peers and I often see patterns in their creative output. This is obviously skewed by a few factors: I don’t see them every waking moment, I don’t know how much work they show vs. create, things of that ilk. What I do notice in many is dialogue relating to extreme burnout. This is usually a result of an accomplishment. Once they create something they are proud of, they tend to go a long time before starting something new. I observe this in myself, as well. Once I exert a large amount of energy towards something, I need to rest for a short while. I need to meditate on what I did. I need to allow the mind and body to recover. If I have little or no energy left, I know I can’t offer my full potential.
But, I feel like I used to have a lot more “willpower” than I do these days. I used to be able to sit down and create art without so much resulting exhaustion. I want that energy back!
Propositional Remedy:
I’m starting to treat my “energy” as a muscle: something that can be strengthened when targeted. I believe in “willpower”, though I still prefer to call it “energy”. It just suits my way of thinking better. I know there is an ebb-and-flow of my ability to jump on a task and get it done. As I’ve become more aware of my limitations, I’ve found myself becoming less consumed by the fear of not doing enough. I can only do so much in a day. I can strengthen my energy by getting close to my limitations and pushing through just a little longer. I don’t want to over-exert, but I want to push the limits.
Diet and exercise contribute to your “willpower”. A strong and healthy body can nourish a quick and potent mind. Treat your body right.
A — Apprehension
This is my whale, for sure. I sometimes find myself petrified to pick up my pencil and start a new drawing. So what do I do?
I hesitate.
I keep hesitating.
Ultimately, I’ll stare a blank sheet for 45 minutes and then give up. YUCK! I hate it when I do that! I feel like such a weak, impotent little coward when I give up. But what can I do? All that hesitation is exhausting.
I have a couple theories, but I find it so difficult to identify the source of my apprehension. It is such a vast array of small problems. It’s a mix of every topic in this list with variations and nuances. What is it which makes me hesitate? It’s my negative self-talk. It’s my toxic over-thinking. It’s comparing myself with my “peers”. It’s observation of my patterns. It’s my battle with perfectionism. It’s my delusions of reality. It’s my defense mechanisms.
It’s the worst thing a creative person can struggle with because it demoralizes you while stopping you from doing the thing which will actually boost your morale. If you DO the “THING”, the “THING” will probably be GOOD, but you HAVE TO DO THE “THING”.
A kind reader commented on one of my previous posts. They told me that I suffer from imposter syndrome, which was something I was aware of but too stupidly humble to admit to myself that I may actually be talented. They told me a couple inspiring stories. There was one quote in particular that I think about from time to time:
“You have two choices to make. You can continue to wait for the creativity to flow from your page, to wait for the exact right time, or you can just start. Just do something.”
Apprehension makes you wait for yourself to be strong enough to move forward. I’ve become impatient with myself.
Propositional Remedy:
Embrace what holds you back.
Here’s an example: in my life, I have often been misunderstood. Since I’m working on something that I know I’ve instilled a lot of my ways-of-thinking*, my guess is that what I create will be misunderstood by many. My remedy: embrace that idea. I am trying to let go of the ghosts of people’s judgement and instead empower myself with the idea that I could create something complex and open to interpretation. Whatever sticks with the viewer will be what matters to them, not to me. What matters to me is creating something I can feel personally proud of and responsible for.
*esoteric topics/philosophies/insanities
Are you a perfectionist like me? Embrace your humanity and accept that mistake WILL be made. Mistakes are a good thing. Mistakes show growth. If you’re not making mistakes then you’re not challenging yourself.
Are you constantly comparing yourself to your peers and feeling like an imposter? Embrace the idea that you’re unique and you don’t do what they do. Your unique voice is what makes your creativity your brand.
Are you concerned with what people will say about what you do? Here’s a hard-to-swallow pill: embrace the fact that no one is thinking about you. If your creativity yields unpleasant remarks from strangers: who cares? They’re strangers. What about friends and family? If they step back and see that what you’re doing is bringing you joy, they will understand that much at least.
T — Time
Look, I like to believe I’m a modern thinker. I do not subscribe to the model of productivity that I grew up observing all around me. I’m referring to the 8-hour workday, 5-days a week model. I also do not subscribe to the pressure influence of the turbo-productive (claiming) type-A personalities who peddle their books on ways to “constantly level-up all day every day”. That way of life will likely burn you to a crisp, and I don’t think it’s realistic for most people. Maybe for some, though! Certainly not me.
I can feel myself getting older. I don’t want to be an old guy trying to make comics. I will eventually be that, but I want to establish myself while I still have some black hairs on my head. I know that this project will consume a very large amount of “time”, and right now “time” is so important.
I went back home to Maine for a little while and I was previously unsure as to why I decided to do so. I think it was because of “time”. So much time had passed. 3/4 of my grandparents are still alive and I want to continue to spend time with them. I wanted to put myself physically in front of the people from my home who are important to me to show them that I can still be present. I wanted time to reflect on the past while contemplating the future. It was a wonderful trip and exceedingly eye-opening.
My relationship with time is something that I need to grasp.
Propositional Remedy:
I think that time is somewhat of an illusion. The way it manifests in our lives is as capricious and whimsical as it is measurably consistent. I can see that the sun is moving across the sky. I can hear the tick tick tick of the clock. I know that those things are present to justify the reality of time, but I’m not sure if it is a good idea to worry so much about it. Time just happens.
It speeds up when you’re distracted from it. It slows down when you’re aware of it. You know you don’t want to waste it. You can’t help but go with the flow of it. I feel like “time” is something you must relinquish power to, but if you spend too much “time” worrying about “time”, you’ll entrap yourself in an trivial paradox and fall short of your expectations.
You don’t have a choice but to take things day by day, hour by hour. Contemplate your personal relationship with “time” and ask yourself if it is serving or hindering your goals.
H — Heart
You gotta love it.
I listen to comedians often. I love stand-up comedy for so many reasons. I love comedians who have a really good sense of awareness, especially self-awareness. I love comedians who instill humor into the truth with their jokes. But, even a comedian who doesn’t have material I particularly enjoy can still be fun to listen to if there’s one aspect present: they love doing what they’re doing. The best comedians love comedy. They treat it as as an art form (which it certainly is). Because they love it so much, they (ironically) tend to take it very seriously. They hone their talent with the necessary scrutiny.
If you love what you’re making, you’ll put your soul into it. Your love of the craft will come through. Love what it means to create. Love the potential your work possesses.
I have a fault in my creative drive. I tend to fall in love with potential. It’s so much more exciting than working on something with a sense of establishment. Since I’ve established (to myself) a lot of the primary parameters of this comic, the sense of “newness” and “potential” have since lost their lust. I’ve been trying to re-think the aspect of “potential” to motivate myself. The “potential” is no longer about what this “could be”, it is now about what it “will be”. It is exciting. It is a bit frightening.
Propositional Remedy:
It’s simple, but it’s not so simple. Do I love this?
I’ve had to ask myself that a lot lately, because this project has been weighing heavily on me for some time now. It’s important to ask the tough questions.
Do I love this?
I do.
I love stories.
I love my story.
I love my characters.
I’m learning to love my art.
I love the potential that this has.
These are things that are important to me and me alone right now. It won’t get done if I don’t love it.
If it’s something you love: you’ll do it. If you don’t love it: maybe you can learn to. If you can’t love it: pick up the pieces, take a rest, try again with something else. Take care of yourself. Don’t give up on yourself.
Thank you kindly for reading.
Don’t let D.E.A.T.H. scare you.
❤ Casey