I mentioned in last month’s post that I was preparing to give a talk at an art conference and I had no idea how it was going to go. In short; it went fine. It was probably always going to go fine.
That’s what people said, at least. They used words like “great” and “informative” and “impressed”. Those aren’t the words that come to my mind when I reflect upon the experience, but I’m not sure if my judgment is the best indicator here.
It’s a bit confusing. I think this goes way back.
I remember a few times, when giving a presentation in front of a large class or something similar, that I felt this kind of “I’m killing it right now” feeling. This is eclipsed by more than a few instances where I clearly felt like my foot found its way into my mouth and there’s no escape now.
When it comes to public speaking, I’ve had my share of humbling experiences. I went to SCAD for my undergrad degree and it often proved to be a brutal place when it came to “critique day”. There was one class in particular where I gave a presentation for a game pitch. I remember that I failed to inject a sort of “Let’s do this!” kind of energy and the push-back was surprising. It way more extreme than I was prepared to deal with. They used words like “presumptuous” and “ignorant” and “biased”. Admittedly, my dialogue was not well-aimed, I didn’t possess the awareness that (I hope) I have now.
After that particular presentation, I felt like a complete outcast in my field of study. Or rather, I solidified a suspicion I had about my standing with my peers. My awareness of what others thought of me became a little too jarring of a reality. Turns out, not many would give me the time of day.
A trajectory of my future began to skew away from my expectations. I always kind of felt like I was surrounded by peers who were just way smarter, way braver, way better at networking, and just seemed to be on paths to greatness. I worked with them on many projects, but despite the immense hours I would put in, I didn’t feel like I held a candle to what they brought to the table. I was always a fraud with decent productivity. “Artistic” and “compliant” seemed to be my strengths, where many of them were “commanding” and “bright”. These are not my words.
I was jealous. I wanted to compete so badly. It wore me out, I think.
Was it the criticism?
Maybe.
I took criticism a lot worse back then, but I also craved the harshness. I wanted it to temper me into a courageous creative with an unending thirst for the next big idea. Something, somewhere along the way really dulled my edge and I’m only coming to terms with it now. More often than not, I took external criticism just as severely as internal criticism. My inner-critics have always been the hardest hitters.
I want to wake up!
I want to get out of this chickenshit outfit, which consists of a bunch of uncooperative chickenshit versions of myself and one especially frustrated chickenshit who wants to talk some sense into all these chickenshits.
I’m waging a campaign against Imposter Syndrome. I don’t deserve to feel this way.
I’m tired of feeling like a fraud. I’m tired of the subconscious anxiety that makes me sick to my stomach when I think about the “worst case scenario”.
What’s the worst that can happen? What’s really the worst thing that can happen? I think “wasting a whole bunch of time and energy” is the scariest and worst thing right now, which is the bellwether for “weak creative” in my book. Days go by unproductively with this project, it feels like every second counts, so “wasting a bunch of time and energy” is a moot point because I’m already wasting time.
Somehow I’m going to reverse this feeling of imposter syndrome. Regardless of if this comic comes to life. Hopefully, I can figure out what it takes to weaken the grip until it lets go. Maybe I can find some strategies that I can share with others? I’m not sure. It’s a shadowy foe.
I have some theories as to what might reverse the damage:
Self-affirmation
I need to be able to see that what I am doing with my time is actually equating to a sense of value that is meaningful to me, even if it’s just me alone. I need to feel like I’m working on things which prove (to myself) that I am actually capable of doing what I know I have the skills to do.Healthier Comparison Response
Whether it’s peers or total strangers, comparing myself to others has not been a healthy habit. I think the healthiest thing to do at this point would be to stop. Even just for a brief while.Healthier self-talk
Dwelling on my shortcomings is not productive. I have to remember what I’m good at and lean into it. There are going to be things that I’m just not great at, even if I care about them. Agility and resilience are healthier than rumination. I need to foster more of an “I can do it” attitude.Remembering what I’ve overcome so far
It’s kind of been a shit show for a while. I feel like I’ve been through some things which may have been hard stops for most, but I’ve pressed on. I should take pride in myself for being at least as strong as I am.Acceptance
The outcome is never assured. I think that’s a quote from something, or it could just be a really basic axiom. I think I need to become friendly with the spirit of whimsy. I’m not sure how anything in my life is going to play out, so I should probably stop trying to actualize my exact expectations and simply visualize succeeding in a less specific fashion.
I think “expectations” are always a dangerous thing to deal with, whether they’re your own or someone else’s (especially if they’re incredibly specific and also not well communicated). I want to have less focus on what I want this project to mean, and more on simply appreciating the process.
It’s a process for sure.
Catch you next month,
❤ Casey